Creative grief

 “I loved my friend

He went away from me

There's nothing more to say

The poem ends,

Soft as it began-

I loved my friend.”

― Langston Hughes

About a month ago, we were asked by the Stake music chairman to record a song for stake conference. We chuckled at the email - obviously the person didn't know us personally. She asked us to sign a song, and if it was possible to have someone play the piano, that would make it even better. We laughed - we're very good at the piano in our house, but we thought we ought to have someone deaf do the signing. We debated for a long time what song to sing, but I advocated for a beautiful song about the Atonement, named "Behold the Wounds in Jesus' Hands." It's a beautifully visual song, it would translate well into ASL, and I felt a desire to "preach of Christ". We called a deaf friend, who also thought the song would be beautiful in ASL, and we submitted it for approval. The stake's standard for songs in stake conference is "A song from the hymnbook, or one that has been sung in General Conference." And our song had been sung in General Conference. And it was approved! Woohoo!!

So, our family worked on learning a choir number, and in the meantime, Minnie Mae worked on translating the song to ASL. Recording the song for stake conference turned out to be much more complex than just showing up and singing. First, we needed to put the singers and the signers in the movie together, so video editing. We needed to give the signers a version of the song to work with before we had it all learned. So we recorded the song, then I went back and re-recorded the piano accompaniment at the same speed, so we'd always be the same speed as the signers. Then we worked on getting a good recording of us singing the song. Of course, it takes several tries when you're working with 4-year olds. The first day, we sang beautifully, and the second the song ended (well, the second BEFORE the song ended), Jane blurted out, "I need to go comb my hair!" The second day we talked about staying quiet after the song ends, and just as we finished, a rooster alarm went off. The third day, someone was grumpy and singing silly on purpose. And on it goes. After we got a good audio version, we were going to record the video (in our church clothes) separately, because it just seems like the odds of getting a recording where we look and sound good simultaneously are rather low...don't you think?

We'd also planned to get some of the other branch members involved with the signing - a "branch choir" of sorts. So we were editing movies of the ASL with captions to send to people tonight when the phone rang. It was the stake music chairman, and she was calling to tell us that the General Authority who was visiting our stake conference had asked us to change songs to a well-known one from the hymnbook. Our choice, as long as it's well-known.

Well, I'm not gonna lie - some tears followed. All the emotions - shock, anger, frustration, grief, disbelief - took their turns marching across the stage of my mind. Deep inside, I knew that things were fine, and that the Spirit would guide. But intuitively, I just seemed to know that I needed some time to brush away all the sad. So I let myself grieve for the beautiful song we'd worked on that didn't have a purpose any more. 

This morning, I woke up ready to rise to the challenge. (Mostly - I still have my moments, ha ha...) We feel the Spirit helping us come up with good options that will help people feel the Spirit at Stake Conference. None of them are everything we'd hoped the song would be, but maybe it's just what someone needs.

One of the big questions that this experience has brought up is, did we make a mistake the first time? We prayed and thought we were following the guidance of the Holy Ghost as we picked the first song. Sometimes, the process of revelation is bumpier than we expect. But I'd love to get the "heavenly analysis" of what happened here. 

We're still planning on recording "Behold the Wounds" because if you've already learned a whole song, you need to use it for something. But, "knowing how way leads on to way", we'll see if it ever gets finished. If it does, I'll put it here so you can enjoy it. 

Somewhat ironically, but I'm so grateful for it, the thing that has been the most comforting to me when I start to feel sad is...the words to the song that was canceled. I think I'll just end with that. I hope you feel Jesus's love as you read it. I know I have!

1. Behold the wounds in Jesus’ hands,

The marks upon His side,

Then ponder who He meant to save

When on the cross He died.

We cannot see the love of God

Which saves us from the fall,

Yet know that Christ from wood and nails

Built mansions for us all.

 

2. Behold the outstretched hands of Christ,

Our Lord, who came to save,

Whose love and grace redeem our souls

And lift us from the grave.

Though bruised and battered as we stray

His guiding hands caress,

He washes and anoints with oil

Then in His arms we rest.

 

3. Behold the wounds in Jesus hands,

Look to your Lord and live.

He yearns to bless you with His love

And all your sins forgive.

Oh, empty is the heart of man

When it is filled with sin.

Come, open wide your broken heart

And let your Savior in!

4. Behold His wounded hands and feet!

Come touch, and see, and feel

The wounds and marks that you may know

His love for you is real.

Then as you fall to worship Him

And wash His feet in tears,

Your Savior takes you in His arms

And quiets all your fears.

I don't think he's doing the taxes...

 I'm just sitting upstairs working and Marriner is downstairs doing the taxes. He suddenly laughs at something. I'm about to call out, "What's so funny?" (We're not very far apart from each other, after all.) Then I think, "It's probably not the taxes that are funny, he's probably on the phone." And I peek down the stairs, and indeed, there he is signing away to someone. Having a conversation that is apparently somewhat humorous. :)

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Our branch is starting to talk about re-opening in-person Primary (and all the other organization meetings). Marriner is very enthusiastic about it - he sees the people who are struggling spiritually right now. I'm very un-enthusiastic about it. It's not immediately obvious to me how this can work with wearing masks, people having to stay home if they're sick, and no singing. I'm tired of changes, and would rather wait a few more months until most adults have been vaccinated, and it feels safer. But, we had a meeting last week to try to hammer out a plan, and we think we have a way that will work.

As we are starting to face returning to church full-time, I've realized that my younger kids are NOT ready for this, language wise. And that's a little frustrating, because we've worked a lot this last year on keeping up our ASL. But kids change so fast. They can forget things in weeks or months if they don't use it a lot. And even though we've worked on some things a lot, there are other things that we've let slide. And none of them have had a conversation with a deaf person in over a year! 

As a Primary presidency, one of our goals is to make Primary a fun and enjoyable place for the kids. We want it to be a positive place they'll want to come to. And I'm sorta sure that my kids are going to struggle and not like it anyway, just because they are so weak in ASL right now. I'd love to be proven wrong. But I'm nervous.

The other complication is that a non-signing person (I can't mention names yet, the news isn't common knowledge) is moving in with us next week for the summer. So that's going to make it a lot harder to practice.

Are we going to get through? I guess we probably will :) Even if there are tears and pulled-out hair in the process. :) 

And now Marriner is done with talking on the phone, so we're heading to bed. Wish us luck!

Leading the music

 Lillian led the music in Sacrament meeting today. She's found that she REALLY enjoys signing music, and that she seems to have a bit of a talent for it, so she was excited for the opportunity today. 

She went to the stand, plugged in the tablet with the music, pressed play, and started to take her face mask off. But when the music started, it blasted us all out of our seats at max volume. Lillian jumped and tried to turn the volume down, but her face mask caught on her glasses and sent her glasses flying. She grabbed the tablet, turned the music off, then fumbled for her glasses and mask, finally got everything in place and re-started with great poise. 

We all love seeing her happy, enthusiastic face leading the music, though between the first and second verse she let out a big, silent "phew!" as she was still recovering from the shock at the beginning. 

I guess she's only 12, it's ok if she gets a *little* rattled with something like that, eh? :)

My older children had their international music debut yesterday. They were seen performing by millions of people all over the world! Pretty exciting!

Ok, so it was only for like 10 seconds. But it was a really exciting 10 seconds! You can see them in "Hope of Israel" starting a little after minute 59. 

So now be honest - how many of my kids did you see in the song? Because as soon as the song was over, we started getting messages from friends, who had seen anywhere between 1 and 4...

The correct answer is 3. Lige, Ellis and Lillian were there with another girl from a different branch or ward. And then Lillian came one another time toward the end. Which I think was what a lot of people saw, because most of the people who messaged me after the broadcast said, "I saw Lillian!" or, "Was that Lillian I just saw?"

The kids had gone to the church for a watch party, so when they got home, I laughingly told them about the funny thing going on. Just then, my phone buzzed, and the message was literally, "It was so cool to see Lillian in the music festival!" This from one of Lige's good friends who's moved across the country. Then we got a voice mail from Grandma that someone in her ward had told her one of her grandkids was in the music festival. It was late, and we laughed like we were watching Monty Python waaayyyy past midnight. Marriner decided to put it to the test. He took a screenshot of the kids:

He texted it to his siblings with the caption, "Lillian did such a great job in the Youth Music Festival tonight!" And we watched the responses come back. "Wow!", "Great job!"....finally, the next morning, one sibling was bold enough to ask, "Wait, I'm confused...aren't 3 of your kids in the song?" 

So of course, we had to make a meme to commemorate the hilarious (and fun) day:

Then I hugged Lillian good night (oh wait, I have other children?) and we all slept very well :)

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Seriously, though, yesterday was a tough day at school. By the end of the day, I'd made 3 kids cry, and 3 kids had made me mad enough to take an unscheduled walk around the neighborhood. Ending the day laughing our heads off was medicine for the soul. So thanks, everyone who contributed to that :)

My favorite part of the song, though, was that they had President Nelson performing with them - how cool is that, that they got to sing with the prophet? Did that just make anyone else geek out? We have the coolest prophet!

Primary

 Hi, everyone,

We reached one year of coronavirus this week. 365 days of various restrictions, disappointments, upheavals. There have been so many good things, too. But I just want to take a moment to pause and acknowledge that this been hard for all of us in various ways on various levels. I'm so grateful for light at the end of the tunnel!

I like what someone posted on Facebook. Instead of wishing things would get back to normal, hope for things to go forward to better. 

I think my kids are getting better at sign language in one regard - they're learning to pay attention when people are signing. Sunday in Primary, we usually have two options: have class in English, or have it in ASL with a treat at the end. They generally pick ASL, but then they "forget" and talk, or don't pay attention, etc. Yesterday, I told them if they wanted to do ASL, they had to lead it. If they talked or didn't pay attention, then I'd just go to English. Boy, the really rose to the challenge! We had a really amazing lesson all in ASL! We discussed some scriptures from D&C 25, which would be tough enough for kids in English. It was funny and interesting watching the kids try to sign the scriptures we were discussing. It was funny and interesting watching me try to figure out how to explain words they didn't know without talking. (Cleave? Wherefore?) Anyway, I was impressed by them. And then we went to English to sing, because we wanted to sing lots of "songs of the heart" and English is, like, you know, our language of the heart.

But the actual cute part of my life that made me sit down and write today is Jane, for whom the Primary lesson was completely over her head, but she sat nicely (ish) on the couch anyway with her special blanket, sucking her thumb. She was especially cute signing the opening song with her thumb in her mouth. :) Go ahead and try that, it's not really easy! I think that pretty much represents this whole experience for her - she can do hard things, but really, she's still a little kid.

Codenames

 A funny thing about this pandemic - when it comes to date night, I usually feel like inviting friends to play games by zoom, but Marriner usually feels like bumming around together and being off the computer for a bit. We found this out a few weeks ago, after several weeks of me planning game nights and Marriner planning movie nights or walks. I guess Marriner gets more social interaction during the day - and definitely more zoom time! So now that we've figured this out, of course, I've been planning very nice, computer-less dates, and this week, Marriner planned a social activity! Ha! He set up a game night with friends from the Branch. This, of course, requires some creative thinking, because not only do you have to be able to play remotely, but you have to be able to still see each other to communicate while you're playing. Marriner decided to try Codenames, which is one of our favorite games. And some friends had recently shown us how to play it online. Woohoo!

Codenames originally had a grid with different words on it. One person on each team takes turns giving their teammates a 1-word clue to guess which words are their team's. Later, a picture version was invented, and that's the version someone gave us years ago. Marriner decided that pictures would match the ASL style well, so so much for the online version, and he set up a camera to show the tiles on zoom. 

Well, it turns out that it didn't really take on an ASL flavor. We said your clue could be one word OR one sign. But every time someone used a sign, they had to spell which word for that sign they meant, because the sign was so ambiguous. For example, one person signed "statue" and the rest of us thought he meant "shape." They're the same sign, you figure out the difference by context. I thought about this contextual nature of ASL while we were playing. I wonder if a group of all-ASL people would play different than we did? For us, there were many English-speakers, and the deaf people were strong English users, so the ASL didn't match the specific thing we were trying to say. But I wondered if another group, say, of people who grew up just using ASL, would really jive with the visualness of the game and be really amazing at it? But as I thought about it, I decided that the contextuality of ASL would kill that - because there are such huge differences in meaning based on the context. Which, of course, there is none in a 1-word clue!

So, we played a very English-y game of Codenames in ASL, and had a blast. We played girls against boys, and it was very evenly matched. At the very end, after 4 games, it all came down to the last tile, where the girls guessed the assassin instead of the secret agent, and the boys won. It used every bit of technology all of us had - zoom on the computer, the game board on another device. But it worked!

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Saturday, Ellis and I took the kids of my ministering sister to the park, just to do something nice for her. The idea was to give her time to get some work done, but we stayed and chatted for like 45 minutes before we left, so I don't know if we came out net-zero or not. :) While we were chatting, I just felt a big emotion bubbling up that I can best describe as...I dunno, gushiness? I just wanted to blurt out to this family, whose oldest is in Kindergarten, that they're just amazing, and they're doing awesome, and I'm so happy and proud to be their friends. And I totally had this flash back to when we had young kids, and how baffled I was by people saying things like that to us. But it's for real! (Though seriously, it made me feel old...) Maybe once you've been through the fire of young parenthood, you're pretty sure it's so hard, nobody else in the world will want to do it. So when you see someone trying, you're just so happy that the future is going to happen, after all? Or maybe you're really gushing to yourself, as you see yourself in them, telling yourself to keep going, you're going to make it after all. 

This happened again this week, as I watched Marriner's counselor and his wife passing off their baby as he conducted the meeting and she led the music. These young families, they're doing amazing things. And they're doing it in two languages, and navigating all the extra obstacles that deafness brings. And I just have this urge to gush, and tell them I just think they're amazing. Which, really, means I'm getting old. I'm ok with that.

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A few months ago, we required all family prayers to be in ASL, because the younger kids would never sign. They'd just sorta stare at their plate during dinner, hoping the conversation would happen over their heads. This worked very well at getting people to sign, but the next step was getting the little kids to pay attention to what people were signing. So one day, I asked the kids if anyone could tell me something someone said in the prayer. Of course, they couldn't, but the next prayer, they could...

It worked very well for a while, then Martha got tired of it and zoned off. Sam is still doing ok at paying attention, depending on the day. But Jane LOVES this game. Generally, about the time someone starts signing, "In the name of..." Jane signs "AMEN!" (or not...) and then shouts, "I can tell you what was in the prayer!" So then we tell Jane she has to wait until the WHOLE prayer is over, make the praying person do the end of the prayer again, in which Jane waits about 3 seconds longer, then yells even louder, "I CAN TELL YOU WHAT WAS IN THE PRAYER!" Ok, Jane, what was it... Sometimes, she says something simple like, "I saw missionary!" But sometimes, she actually understands waaayyyy more than we thought she could. It's fun seeing her, with her little kid inherent language learning capabilities.

Actually, she did this on Sunday - they were announcing a branch activity with popcorn on Saturday, and Jane shouted out, "I saw popcorn!" Ha ha!! I'm glad she was paying attention...and I'm sure everyone else who heard her was, too :)

We figured out how to sign coronavirus today!

 Guys. Ten and a half months later, my little kids FINALLY figured out the sign for coronavirus today. Despite seeing it pretty much daily for the last....probably nine and a half months...

It took a while for a sign for coronavirus to come about. There were a few different signs we saw at first, and it probably took a month before the consensus was formed. So the first month of the pandemic, we just used "CV" as our shorthand (ha!) for coronavirus. But once we learned the actual sign, all the old people switched over. The little kids doggedly stuck with "CV" until this week. And for some reason, Martha started using the actual sign. Today, Sam saw it and joked about Martha praying for cheese (the signs have...some...similarities...sorta....) (But Sam has never been bothered by things like that, his main goal is to be silly.) And BOOM - the sign is now popular. Everyone used it in their prayer. 

Kid psychology on display here :) I wonder what other signs I should joke about to get my kids to use...hmmm....