Creative grief

 “I loved my friend

He went away from me

There's nothing more to say

The poem ends,

Soft as it began-

I loved my friend.”

― Langston Hughes

About a month ago, we were asked by the Stake music chairman to record a song for stake conference. We chuckled at the email - obviously the person didn't know us personally. She asked us to sign a song, and if it was possible to have someone play the piano, that would make it even better. We laughed - we're very good at the piano in our house, but we thought we ought to have someone deaf do the signing. We debated for a long time what song to sing, but I advocated for a beautiful song about the Atonement, named "Behold the Wounds in Jesus' Hands." It's a beautifully visual song, it would translate well into ASL, and I felt a desire to "preach of Christ". We called a deaf friend, who also thought the song would be beautiful in ASL, and we submitted it for approval. The stake's standard for songs in stake conference is "A song from the hymnbook, or one that has been sung in General Conference." And our song had been sung in General Conference. And it was approved! Woohoo!!

So, our family worked on learning a choir number, and in the meantime, Minnie Mae worked on translating the song to ASL. Recording the song for stake conference turned out to be much more complex than just showing up and singing. First, we needed to put the singers and the signers in the movie together, so video editing. We needed to give the signers a version of the song to work with before we had it all learned. So we recorded the song, then I went back and re-recorded the piano accompaniment at the same speed, so we'd always be the same speed as the signers. Then we worked on getting a good recording of us singing the song. Of course, it takes several tries when you're working with 4-year olds. The first day, we sang beautifully, and the second the song ended (well, the second BEFORE the song ended), Jane blurted out, "I need to go comb my hair!" The second day we talked about staying quiet after the song ends, and just as we finished, a rooster alarm went off. The third day, someone was grumpy and singing silly on purpose. And on it goes. After we got a good audio version, we were going to record the video (in our church clothes) separately, because it just seems like the odds of getting a recording where we look and sound good simultaneously are rather low...don't you think?

We'd also planned to get some of the other branch members involved with the signing - a "branch choir" of sorts. So we were editing movies of the ASL with captions to send to people tonight when the phone rang. It was the stake music chairman, and she was calling to tell us that the General Authority who was visiting our stake conference had asked us to change songs to a well-known one from the hymnbook. Our choice, as long as it's well-known.

Well, I'm not gonna lie - some tears followed. All the emotions - shock, anger, frustration, grief, disbelief - took their turns marching across the stage of my mind. Deep inside, I knew that things were fine, and that the Spirit would guide. But intuitively, I just seemed to know that I needed some time to brush away all the sad. So I let myself grieve for the beautiful song we'd worked on that didn't have a purpose any more. 

This morning, I woke up ready to rise to the challenge. (Mostly - I still have my moments, ha ha...) We feel the Spirit helping us come up with good options that will help people feel the Spirit at Stake Conference. None of them are everything we'd hoped the song would be, but maybe it's just what someone needs.

One of the big questions that this experience has brought up is, did we make a mistake the first time? We prayed and thought we were following the guidance of the Holy Ghost as we picked the first song. Sometimes, the process of revelation is bumpier than we expect. But I'd love to get the "heavenly analysis" of what happened here. 

We're still planning on recording "Behold the Wounds" because if you've already learned a whole song, you need to use it for something. But, "knowing how way leads on to way", we'll see if it ever gets finished. If it does, I'll put it here so you can enjoy it. 

Somewhat ironically, but I'm so grateful for it, the thing that has been the most comforting to me when I start to feel sad is...the words to the song that was canceled. I think I'll just end with that. I hope you feel Jesus's love as you read it. I know I have!

1. Behold the wounds in Jesus’ hands,

The marks upon His side,

Then ponder who He meant to save

When on the cross He died.

We cannot see the love of God

Which saves us from the fall,

Yet know that Christ from wood and nails

Built mansions for us all.

 

2. Behold the outstretched hands of Christ,

Our Lord, who came to save,

Whose love and grace redeem our souls

And lift us from the grave.

Though bruised and battered as we stray

His guiding hands caress,

He washes and anoints with oil

Then in His arms we rest.

 

3. Behold the wounds in Jesus hands,

Look to your Lord and live.

He yearns to bless you with His love

And all your sins forgive.

Oh, empty is the heart of man

When it is filled with sin.

Come, open wide your broken heart

And let your Savior in!

4. Behold His wounded hands and feet!

Come touch, and see, and feel

The wounds and marks that you may know

His love for you is real.

Then as you fall to worship Him

And wash His feet in tears,

Your Savior takes you in His arms

And quiets all your fears.